So I traveled up to the (not-so-Great) Salt Lake City last night to see the Jazz play the Lakers.
As a huge basketball fan, I was really looking forward to this game, as it was to be the first NBA game I have ever seen in person.
Here are my thoughts about the experience, and my advice to those I saw there, who I am sure are going to read this somehow.
From now on, no kids under the age of 16. To the Lollypop Guild that sat behind us, it was hilarious when the entire crowd was chanting LAKERS SUCK! LAKERS SUCK! , but the joke was ruined when your cracking-prepubescent-voices chimed in — do you even know what “SUCK” means? Ask your mom tonight @ the dinner table.
To the Drunk Guy in row 25…where to start with this douche
KOBE CANNOT HEAR YOU.
PHIL JACKSON CANNOT HEAR YOU.
When you try to start a crowd-chant, try to keep it under one paragraph long. Then MAYBE, someone will join you.
When you have your wife tugging on your arm out of embarrassment, and then you sit down to “explain” to her what your drunken rant was about; that’s the first sign that you’ve had one too many Bud Lights.
The same goes for when you find yourself SCREAMING at a 12 year old kid with a Kobe Bryant jersey, telling him to “Hit the road!!”
You are a bully…errrrr… pussy.
To you 4 mexicans who spent the ENTIRE GAME coming and going from your seats, making me stand up to let your fat-asses by every 30 seconds…just do your meth in your seat ya fuckin turds!
One of them literally watched the game on his Blackberry, like he was going to take a picture, but he never did, he just watched through the little screen. Not sure what’s funnier, that, or the fact that he seems to think he has a need for a Blackberry…
To whoever was in charge of the Halftime “Show”
Juggling stopped being cool when we left England to make a country where juggling ISN’T COOL.
You know what else isn’t cool? $4 hot dogs. That’s blasphemous.
Any black lady with an afro must sit in the very back row, unless it is Jazz Free Mini-WeedWacker Night™, and I can rectify the situation myself.
To you two COMPLETE MORMON ASSHOLES at the souveneir shop…
(one sec, counting down from 10 to lower my blood pressure)
SOME OF US WANT TO GET BACK TO OUR SEATS TO WATCH THE GODDAMN GAME!!!!
They obviously had a gaggle of little goat-eyed MoMo kids at home expecting gifts, and apparently they all have Alien heads, because these two were standing there, asking to see every youth-size basketball jersey behind the counter, then streeeetching the head-hole for some godforsaken reason. Then they asked to see the “blue ones instead of the white ones“, and proceeded to do the EXACT SAME THING. Like there is a difference in head-hole sizes between two different colored jerseys. THEN, to top it all off, they left without buying ANYTHING!
To the Utah Jazz “mascot”. FUCK YOU. BEARS SUCK.
Need proof? http://www.wikiality.com/Bears
To the “adults” who were literally smashing kids to try to grab the Taco Bell coupons that were dropping on parachutes from the ceiling, grow the fuck up. 30 cents off on a $1 burrito? Seriously?
They should have been filled with anthrax.
To all of you middle-upper-class white-male-20-somethings…faux-hawks? REALLY? Have you no mirrors in your homes? You should have a little tampon string hanging from the front of your hair-do, to complete the mangina look.
Finally, Kobe Bryant is a bitch.
If you let your kid wear a Bryant jersey after his Dirty Sanchez episode in Eagle, CO, you should have your kids taken away and your genitalia frozen off with dry ice.
After all he has portrayed in his career, I didn’t have any respect for him as a person.
I did, however, think that he was the best player in the league, perhaps of all time — until last night.
Seeing him CONSTANTLY bitching to the refs, EVERY TIME (not some of the time, not most of the time, EVERY TIME) he missed a shot made me sick. Then seeing the refs literally GIVE him calls, when nobody was within a foot of even grazing him, showed what a horseshit show NBA games can be.
Hot Dog & Beer: $10
Driving 3.5 hours each way in the snow to watch the Jazz put up 70 (!!!) in the first half, and go on to trounce the Lakers by 24 points (without our starting PF and Center) and taking the 4th quarter off: PRICELESS