Archive for the Ethnics Category

My 1st NBA Game: Reflections

Posted in Ethnics on December 2, 2007 by hehateme

So I traveled up to the (not-so-Great) Salt Lake City last night to see the Jazz play the Lakers.
As a huge basketball fan, I was really looking forward to this game, as it was to be the first NBA game I have ever seen in person.

Here are my thoughts about the experience, and my advice to those I saw there, who I am sure are going to read this somehow.

======================================================================================================================

From now on, no kids under the age of 16. To the Lollypop Guild that sat behind us, it was hilarious when the entire crowd was chanting LAKERS SUCK! LAKERS SUCK! , but the joke was ruined when your cracking-prepubescent-voices chimed in — do you even know what “SUCK” means? Ask your mom tonight @ the dinner table.

To the Drunk Guy in row 25…where to start with this douche

KOBE CANNOT HEAR YOU.
PHIL JACKSON CANNOT HEAR YOU.

When you try to start a crowd-chant, try to keep it under one paragraph long. Then MAYBE, someone will join you.

When you have your wife tugging on your arm out of embarrassment, and then you sit down to “explain” to her what your drunken rant was about; that’s the first sign that you’ve had one too many Bud Lights.

The same goes for when you find yourself SCREAMING at a 12 year old kid with a Kobe Bryant jersey, telling him to “Hit the road!!

You are a bully…errrrr… pussy.

To you 4 mexicans who spent the ENTIRE GAME coming and going from your seats, making me stand up to let your fat-asses by every 30 seconds…just do your meth in your seat ya fuckin turds!
One of them literally watched the game on his Blackberry, like he was going to take a picture, but he never did, he just watched through the little screen. Not sure what’s funnier, that, or the fact that he seems to think he has a need for a Blackberry…

To whoever was in charge of the Halftime “Show”
Juggling stopped being cool when we left England to make a country where juggling ISN’T COOL.

You know what else isn’t cool? $4 hot dogs. That’s blasphemous.

Any black lady with an afro must sit in the very back row, unless it is Jazz Free Mini-WeedWacker Night™, and I can rectify the situation myself.

To you two COMPLETE MORMON ASSHOLES at the souveneir shop…
(one sec, counting down from 10 to lower my blood pressure)

SOME OF US WANT TO GET BACK TO OUR SEATS TO WATCH THE GODDAMN GAME!!!!

They obviously had a gaggle of little goat-eyed MoMo kids at home expecting gifts, and apparently they all have Alien heads, because these two were standing there, asking to see every youth-size basketball jersey behind the counter, then streeeetching the head-hole for some godforsaken reason. Then they asked to see the “blue ones instead of the white ones“, and proceeded to do the EXACT SAME THING. Like there is a difference in head-hole sizes between two different colored jerseys. THEN, to top it all off, they left without buying ANYTHING!
*(#$*(@#$^()@#$&@#()$&@#()$&()#($!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To the Utah Jazz “mascot”. FUCK YOU. BEARS SUCK.

Need proof? http://www.wikiality.com/Bears

To the “adults” who were literally smashing kids to try to grab the Taco Bell coupons that were dropping on parachutes from the ceiling, grow the fuck up. 30 cents off on a $1 burrito? Seriously?
They should have been filled with anthrax.

To all of you middle-upper-class white-male-20-somethings…faux-hawks? REALLY? Have you no mirrors in your homes? You should have a little tampon string hanging from the front of your hair-do, to complete the mangina look.

Finally, Kobe Bryant is a bitch.
If you let your kid wear a Bryant jersey after his Dirty Sanchez episode in Eagle, CO, you should have your kids taken away and your genitalia frozen off with dry ice.
After all he has portrayed in his career, I didn’t have any respect for him as a person.
I did, however, think that he was the best player in the league, perhaps of all time — until last night.
Seeing him CONSTANTLY bitching to the refs, EVERY TIME (not some of the time, not most of the time, EVERY TIME) he missed a shot made me sick. Then seeing the refs literally GIVE him calls, when nobody was within a foot of even grazing him, showed what a horseshit show NBA games can be.

Tickets: Free
Hot Dog & Beer: $10
Driving 3.5 hours each way in the snow to watch the Jazz put up 70 (!!!) in the first half, and go on to trounce the Lakers by 24 points (without our starting PF and Center) and taking the 4th quarter off: PRICELESS

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/recap;_ylt=AiPwFd5GU5Ryy9RIwKyZlRC8vLYF?gid=2007113026

BRAKING THROUGH GREEN LIGHTS

Posted in Ethnics on November 24, 2007 by hehateme

First of all, let me begin by saying that I hate everyone, especially you and your family. But if there is one demographic of assholes/”people” that make me consider joining Al-Quaeda, it’s all of you fuckers who BRAKE THROUGH GREEN LIGHTS.

You know who you are.

There are 3 types of “people” who brake through green lights:

  1. Beaners
  2. Rednecks aka Motorheads aka White Trash
  3. Women

I could write a goddamn novel about all of the things I hate about Beaners.
And yes, I can call them that because

  • They prefer to be called Beaners
  • I patronize their restaurants

Their curb-feelers, multi-toned paint jobs, glass-packed cherry-bomb mufflers, spinning hubcaps, car-bra’s, and self-applied limo black window tints give them away way before their shitty unlicensed, uninsured, uneducated driving proves that they are the hairy-lipped greaseballs that I know them to be…and thats not even the men of the race.

They, of course, brake through green lights for one reason, and one reason only — they are concerned that La Migra or the Guero Police are going to be posted up on the other side of the intersection, waiting to confiscate all of their crystal meth, drywall tools, and random shiny objects hanging from their rear view mirrors, and ship them back to Chihuahua like the dogs they are.

I saw one pull this dastardly maneuver the other day, unfortunately while I was unarmed. I was behind his lowered F-150 and almost shat myself when i saw the enormous sticker on the back (tinted) window. It was an Iron Cross (see: rednecks), but it had the words Jesus Christo inside the Iron Cross. I’m sure this wetback had no idea that the Iron Cross was awarded to the best Jew-Killers in Adolph’s Army of Swine, and that given the opportunity, Hitler would have made (slightly more tan) Mercedez-Benz seatcovers out of Mexicans too. The Iron-y was hilarious. So, I had to get up next to this peckerhead at the next light to get a look at him. I pull up next to Jose/Juan/etc./whatever and lo and behold, he has the Holy Grail of Beaner-dom sitting on his dashboard. A miniature model of his F-150!! Talk about pride in ownership! Of course, the two lane street merged down to one, leaving me staring once again at his Neo-Nazi Praise to Christ(o), and sure enough, at the next intersection, he rode his brakes through a nice fresh green light.

Guacamole means GO fuckface!

That brings us to the Rednecks et al. Worse than Beaners…thats right I said it.
Rednecks too deserve several volumes of work to describe how lame they are, but time is money and I am writing this shit for free.

Rednecks brake through green lights for exactly two reasons, which are both tied to the same intrinsic item that makes me hate them so much; their lifted pickup trucks.
They brake through green lights because they either think that the hard-working non-trendy drivers waiting at their red lights actually give a shit about their stupid fucking trucks, or they brake because they are trying to make a right turn and the steering radius on their knobby tires makes it so that there is a half-mile traffic jam behind them waiting for them to actually pull off the stunt.

Speaking of knobby, 9 out of 10 scientists agree that the bigger the truck, the smaller the penis. FACT.

(The tenth one drives a Dodge Ram.)

The tattoos, the straight-billed yet crooked-worn hats, the wife-beater tank tops, the indecipherable cookie-cutter metal music blaring out of the windows, the white-rimmed oversized sunglasses, the 8inch terrorist-funding exhaust pipe, the truck-balls on the trailer hitch, and the “cool” window sticker you got at Hot Topic will not change the size of your sausage…sorry jerk-offs. Go back to drinking your cheap beer with your pasty-been-fucked-by-13-black-guys-20lbs overweight-trailertrash hobag and get the fuck off my roads. Continue to park your $40,000 truck in your apartment parking lot and on the jobsite where you make $10/hr framing houses (aka being the go-fer for the actual skilled laborers, see: Beaners) and bitching about the wetbacks (see: Beaners) who are quickly rendering your “services” obsolete.

The best part about these shitbag Rednecks is how loyal they are to President Bush and the War on/of Turrur. These same assholes who get about 7 miles to the gallon are too ignorant to realize that they are personally bankrolling every terrorist attack that goes down. They are quick to slap the Yellow Ribbon Magnet on their bumper, but too vaginal to actually enlist, which would make them quickly realize that Iraq and Halo3 really aren’t one in the same. Luckily, for all of their FOXNEWS-induced rhetoric, they are, every last one of them, too lazy and stupid to vote. If I had a suitcase nuke, it would be delivered and let loose at Glamis on any given 3-day weekend.

And the World’s average IQ would jump 78.3 points in .000783 nanoseconds.

Lastly…women.
All stupid whores, none of whom should ever, under any circumstances, be allowed in a car, let alone behind the wheel. I would gladly fuck the crack between my couch cushions for the rest of my days if I could snap my fingers tomorrow and make every single one of them disappear into thin air.

The silence would be deafening.
The commute would be efficient.
The dishes would be dirty.

There you have it. Fuck off Earthlings.

Happy Monday

Posted in Ethnics on November 16, 2007 by Jesus von Dutch

This is what really bugs me, and it happened twice in one day.  The use of “Happy Monday” has to be stopped.  I was assaulted with this saying not once but twice today and in successive fashion.  The gate guard checked my ID and said “happy Monday”.  Fine, I’ll let that one slide. Then I get on to the the compound and the compound guard says “happy Monday”.  That’s it!  I’m willing to let one person say it, but two!? That means more people openly say this asinine statement and soon it could be a trend, and worse, become a convention.  Birthday, Anniversary, Holidays, Easter, New Years, Joy Joy, All of these are perfectly acceptable to attach to “happy”.  They are fun and celebratory occasions. MONDAY?!  If any day deserves a “Happy” affixed to it, it’s Friday, for obvious reasons.  If people so rampantly use Happy with everything then Happy loses its capital.  “Hey, I know it’s Monday, I don’t need to be reminded of this. 24 hours ago I was engaged in some general tomfoolery, but now I’m stuck here to scratch a simple living in the hopes that when the sweet release of death comes I can look back and say ‘ehh, it was a decent run’. Now, I don’t need you to try to cheer up the start of this week by saying happy anything, because you can happy go fuck yourself. Don’t backhandedly try to screw with my mental well being. Happy? Happy finger in your eye!” That should have been my reply to both of them.  But I just said….”Ohh, you too.”

LaMont’s thought of the day 11/06/07

Posted in Ethnics on November 6, 2007 by lamontchoadowski

If a co-worker is bothering you to the point that you passionately hate him; piss him off enough that he punches you in the face.  Especially if he is under 160 lbs.   You will not be injured and he will be carried off by security.  Most likely you will never see him again and that will be the greatest gift of all.

Lamont’s thought of the day 11/5/07

Posted in Ethnics on November 5, 2007 by lamontchoadowski

If you are in downtown DC and someone asks you for your jacket, you might want to consider giving it to them.  Especially if that person is smoking a black and mild, clove or marijuana cigarette.  Being cold is temporary, getting shot in the face isn’t.

Turning water into whining

Posted in Ethnics on October 22, 2007 by Jesus von Dutch

My name is Jesus.  It is pronounced “Hey Zeus” if your Mexican or some other derivative of a Mexi.  For all others, it’s Jesus; pronounce…well…”Geez Us”.  I’m Jewish by birth but cheap by choice.  I spend most of my time getting paid to do nothing, so when I have to do something, I’m grossly underpaid.  People think I’m smart, but really they are just stupid.  I once won a game of boggle, acronyms were allowed.  People find it odd when I tell them I write a blog, so I don’t tell them.  The greatest invention in the world is me, I’m a pseudonym. 

LaMont be thy name.

Posted in Ethnics on October 20, 2007 by lamontchoadowski

My name is LaMont Choadowski.  I am a civil service worker in Washington DC.  I enjoy clipping coupons, masterbation, eating various BBQ’d meats, and reading the bible. 

 This page is going to change the world.